A Challenging Ride, How it Changed Me
It was cold, wind chills now below zero, as if the sun had taken the day off. I dreaded the question, cozy under the warm duvet enjoying the quiet and dark, “So... are we riding today?” I rolled my eyes, “It’s freezing out!” That was about the most positive thing that came to my mind in that moment. I am a fair-weather rider this time of year. My fixed mindset took over, this wasn’t going to be fun or go well no matter how I tried to see it.
I prepped nutrition, checked the tire pressure on my cross bike. Pulled out every last piece of warm weather gear I could find, leg and arm warmers, neck warmer, booties, gloves, jacket, toque and wool socks. I was racking up a long list in my head of all the reasons this ride, then next 2 hours of my life, was going to suck. Too much clothing, riding my cross bike not my road bike, strong winds from the NorthWest meant a head wind for the majority of the ride.
As I rolled out the door, bitter wind stung my thighs, smacked me in the face where my skin was exposed. I tried to convince myself, I will enjoy this once I’m warm, and ever more when it’s done. I easily fall into the habit while riding of competing against myself - analyzing feedback metrics mostly average power & speed, calories per hour. It was frustrating, starting behind my targeted average meant an uphill climb to build it back up. The wind was blowing hard, I was working so hard to no avail. Still not warm, we approached the first mile long climb. I was frustrated.
Facing the 16% grade hill ahead of me, I knew I was miserable. I needed to adjust my thoughts, I was only 20 min into the ride and there was a long road ahead. I replayed the words of my partner “Just ride to enjoy the ride!” He was right. The only one who knew the goals I was holding myself to was me. I have a habit of defining success for myself as a measurement of achievement or productivity in everything that I do, and it can be exhausting.
In that moment, I felt in control of my own enjoyment. I recognized I had choices. Each ride, like life, tests me in different ways. Mentally - facing tough climbs or harsh weather or my own thoughts and experiences. Physically - recognizing effects of fatigue, stress or conditioning. There are moments of pure joy where I remember why I love cycling. Moments, where I question why I love cycling. And moments where I don’t even think about cycling and just enjoy what my body is capable of doing and the things around me - today, being the last of the brightly covered fall leaves clinging to the trees. Potentially the last I would get outdoors to ride before winter comes. I felt the sun finally peak through the coloured leaves, it warms my face. I closed my eyes for a brief moment, and inhaled, the heaviness left my body. It felt good just to move.
My growth mindset reemerged, and what seemed difficult and uncomfortable suddenly seemed worthwhile again. I abandoned my speed, power, and calorie goals, and shifted to managing my heart rate up that hill. I slowed down my pace, focused on my breathing, regulating my heart rate to keep it below my maximum. I knew from past experience, that I could maintain and ward off fatigue riding successfully up hill at 5-10 beats under my maximum. Before I knew it, I was cresting the top of the hill, and the sun was waiting for me.
Day in and day out we face our own narratives, challenges. It can be difficult to believe that in any given moment we have the ability to change our situation, we have choices. At times, they are difficult to see, but look a little harder there is always a choice. To do something, to do nothing. To change directions. To make a choice, to not make a choice. To speed up, to slow down. To say yes, to say no. To accept something, or deny it. To allow gratitude, or resentment. To give up, or to give it your all. To try and fail, try and succeed, or to not try, and never know…
Whatever you are facing, take a step back and ask yourself, what choices are available to me? If you’re facing a situation and you can’t see the choices, I challenge you to ask - which choice is it that I don’t want to make? There are still choices, perhaps it’s a more difficult one, or not one you want to make. What is behind the reason and is it worth being stuck where you are not to make the choice. What are the “What ifs…” in your way?
