Go Ahead And Judge Me...
As a child learning to swim, I used to cling to the edge of the wall in class watching everyone else go through the motions. I watched all the other kids blow bubbles on the swim platform and gradually work their way to kicking with flutter boards. At home, I would hold on to the back of a pool float and kick my feet while my brother and parents swam in the pool. I just watched…
One day, my little sister, less than 2 years old casually jumped into our family pool. That was the moment I let go of the raft, swam over and pulled her up from the bottom of the pool by her hair. The whole time I’d been watching I’d been learning. I just wasn’t prepared to try until I knew EXACTLY what I was doing. I probably knew for a long time, but it wasn’t until I needed to rescue my sister that the fear of judgment would step aside.
The fear of judgment stripped the joy of learning from so many things for me and I applied the same method of learning to many parts of my life. At work, I remember being asked to step in for a facilitator using their presentation. I couldn’t possibly measure up without having seen how they did it or understood how they’d put the content together. My inner critic was screaming in my head, I was terrified I would look ridiculous.
My pattern repeated, over and over. Letting others go first or take the top spot so I have a chance to witness how things work before fumbling my way through new situations.
Dating my then boyfriend, he always insisted that I go first – this was brutally difficult for me as the vision of the otherwise strong independent woman I put out was in direct conflict with the way I faced new situations. I was a small town girl when I moved to the city. We were about to catch the street car, which I’d never done! I was dying inside as I climbed the steps – I didn’t even know where or how to pay the fee. I looked blankly at the driver hoping he would pick up my desperation and give me a clue. He didn’t. I finally looked at him and held up the coins in my hand and tried to whisper “where do I pay?” My boyfriend never missed a thing, unaware of the intense inner dialogue I was facing, he innocently started laughing, he couldn’t believe that I didn’t know how to do something he’d grown up his whole life doing. But, I’d never done this before.
For some high achievers, there is a delicate balance to find between wanting to do things well, and the time and FAILURE it takes to get there.
The What If’s that fuel this fear have always been loud in my head:
What if…
I can’t do it, I fail, I fall
I look ridiculous
I get it wrong
I disappoint someone who thinks so highly of me
My business isn’t successful
No one wants to work with me
My team thinks I’m unqualified for the job
I don’t get the job
Someone thinks I was out of my league applying for this job
It goes on.
Working with clients, I hear the what if’s loud and often. Time and time again, talented individuals hold their thoughts and ideas back around the boardroom table, for fear that a senior executive will suddenly decide they are unqualified to be there. From where I sit, every single one of these people is more than qualified to be there.
Every brilliant idea we have today was likely seen as ridiculous at the time it was presented. As Henry Ford quipped, “If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.”
Can you imagine life without access to a car or transit? Let alone an Airplane? Or a phone that doubles as a camera, video camera, computer, calendar, navigation unit, recording device, video calling, calculator, flashlight, wallet, ride hail, weather network… you get the point.
Where in life are you holding back from fear of judgment? What does judgment mean to you?
What if you could change your perspective on judgment? What if it had no power?
What would you be doing or trying or working toward if no one was judging you? What position would you apply for? What company would you build?
What’s the story you’re telling yourself that’s holding you back?
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